Thursday, February 28, 2013

Wolf


-Dastan-dije encontrando finalmente mi voz,- Mikhail es un lobo.

No sé de dónde saqué el coraje para decírselo. Debí haberle dicho que Mikhail siempre vivió aislado de la gente, que no era dado a relacionarse con las personas del pueblo, pero eso sería mentir. Observé cómo Dastan tensaba su mandíbula y sus ojos brillaban de irritación y enojo. En sus labios de dibujó una delgada línea que los hacía desaparecer y se puso más alto que nunca, y sus nudillos estaban tan blancos que iban a explotar. Ese minuto de silencio absoluto demandaba que se rompiera de alguna forma. Rogaba por dentro que pasara cualquier cosa, que me zarandeara, que me dijera que no era cierto, que quizá lo dije para justificar mi amistad con él, pero nada de eso pasó. Y lo cierto era, que deseaba correr sin destino alguno, escapar a otro lugar y que no me importara nada. Pero nuevamente, eso sería mentir, contradecirme a mí misma y no sería lo correcto. Dastan me seguiría hasta el final del mundo y no se detendría hasta tenerme otra vez en sus brazos. He notado la manera en que ha sido conmigo, su actitud hacía mi, su manera de hablarme y de expresarme algún sentimiento o problema. Nunca he llegado a entender cómo se había fijado en mi, habiendo tantas otras mujeres más atractivas y mejores que yo en todos los aspectos; yo no era nada más que una mujer ordinaria que tenía afinidades extrañas y no comunes. Pero Dastan no lo veía así: me miraba como si fuera el diamante más perfecto, algo valioso, una mujer demasiado bella y extraordinaria. Qué equivocado estaba. 

Friday, February 8, 2013

Viernes, mañana.

Desde el más interior de mis entrañas, te deseo con un profundo fervor. No te miento cuando digo que tu olor pasa la noche conmigo y se va en silencio por la puerta trasera de la cocina. Lástima que no se queda para tomar el café de las 7.

ymli

Friday, January 11, 2013




11/1/2013
9:20a.m.
I don´t know what i´m doing right now. It seems as if my writing can bring you back; but it´s not like that. It´s a whole different retrospective from all inside out. There are days where i wanna talk to you, tell you about my day and listening to your soft voice and laugh and that "mmmhmmm" that you infected me with. I can´t stop writing, i can´t stop this suffocating pain that sometimes zones me out and it seems that it wants me to dragg myself along. But i have to move on. I have to keep my mind focused, otherwise i´ll bleed out and get stuck in the past. I´m agreeing to let you go and be ok with that. I really want to. It´s not that i´m gonna die if you´re not here; you still have a soft spot in my so called heart (in fact is an organ or muscle, that bombs or spread blood through the whole organism). I still love you, i´m being completely honest. And trust me that i wanna cry so hard that i wanna dry out and sleep. But i can´t do that to myself. Did you know how tremendous you´ve been to me? Did you ever know that you were my first love? Not crush or hook up, but love. That scary feeling that makes you feel disabled and you cannot move, and your joints are crushed and your chest is fighting an inner battle and it´s trying to survive. Well, you´ve made me feel that way billions of times and trust me, to be an unexpresive person, i felt too much for my own good. 

My thoughts are starts i cannot fathom into constellations. Yes, that´s how i´m in right now. You taight me lots of things and also, i stopped pitying myself and not accept simpathies of people, it makes look way too fragile and i don´t wanna do that. You left so much to remember you with. So much. These letters, all the memories, that even though they´ll stay behind, those things are more than enough, trust me. Sometimes i get through mood swings that it seems i´m on an everlasting menstruation to make it look more dramatic. You´d never understand why i broke it off; why i´m not fighting, why i´m not looking for you any longer, why i´m not trying to make them see that we could last. But here, between us, we were dying, we got so distant from each other, we couldn´t possibly save no matter how many "i´ll work on that", "We´ll get through it" we´d say. 

Slowly and painfully, i´m letting you go. After all, that´s the thing about pain; it demands to be felt. 

Ymli, Letters to Oliveira. 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Me, myself and i

Due to my recent condition of being suspended, i feel kinda lost and unhappy. I feel like ive done terrible things instead of doing the right thing. Aint i supossed to make my own path and build my own destiny? Aint i supossed to be the only one who can chose and see whats right and whats wrong? Aint i supossed to ask God for guidance instead of searching in the dark? For once in my life, i feel lost, i feel unhappy, i feel hurt. I feel so empty. Even though i love Oliveira, i need to be full again, i need to smile at least when im not around him. No, this is not The Talk to him about breaking up, but this...this is making me feel like im walking in circles, chasing my own tail, and not seeing whats in front of my very mere eyes. I need Him. I need Him more than ever. I confess that ive made mistakes and that ive fallen so many times, but i need Him in these dark times and i need Him now....

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The letter

Helou there. Last night, i got the letter that i got suspended from college for this semester. Yep, tough, ah? I won´t deny that i cried a little bit and got sad about it. I told Oliveira y Hermione about the news and they showed me their support, so i don´t feel alone. I must assist to some kind of Orientation for suspended students and that will depend on my comeback to college next semester. Im calmed now and focused only on that. I need to. I cant panic or being in shock or cry about it, or being just weak. This is a mere proof that i need to have faith and be strong and get the strenght from within, even though i dont have any. I can do this.  Im very damn sure.

Sorry for the short stories. Promise ill write some really long for you.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Hey, there

I had such a big day today at work. Tons and tons of files to do. Such a nice way to be busy (note the sarcasm). Anyway, i talked to my friend about me and Oliveira (boyfriend), and she told me that i have to be strong, cuz many people will judge and wont see it right and will start with the lectures and preaches and many things else. I just gonna trust and be patient and my head high. Nothing else, just stay quiet and accept whatever may come. I wont hide anything. If they ask, i´ll answer. If they wanna judge, i wont care, cuz i dont have to. He´s a good man and nothing more, and thats enough for me. We´ll fight, cuz this is something worth to fight.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Us.

So, my lover told me that he went to Sabana de la Mar for work. I just pray for him to come back well. We talked about last night and fixed the problem. I mean, i´m a stubborn person  and i don´t like to give in so easily, but now i´m a real thing and i´ll work hard to make it better. I really love him and i feel great around him. Even though we have some differences, we talk about them and work them out. That´s the thing about commitments and relationships: you have to be sure (pretty damn sure) that you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone, or if it doesn´t end up that way, at least learn from it. I feel like i´m a learning everyday, i need to be more open and talk more often, but i know this will last for 70 years. We´re working on it to get there. He´s so amazing: i still don´t comprehend how this guy is so amazing. He has something that i feel very attracted to. Some weeks ago, i was so anxious and so nervous about losing him; the very fear itself manifested in front of my eyes like a dream i would never wake up, but then, i waved those fears and thoughts away, cuz my heart will be saved and secured with someone who´s worth it. He´s so tall and his eyes so deep that i feel like a little girl. And his voice so...hypnotizing that i feel more and more drawn to him. I love him. I really do. I´ve never thought i could love someone this much and desired to spend 70 years with that person. Or maybe more.